I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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