I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
