i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Randomize
