id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
