my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
