So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
