I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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