Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
There are leaves in my underwear?
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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