genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Randomize
