If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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