I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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