I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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