im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
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