I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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