This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
