Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
