just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
