Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
