yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
