my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
