I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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