why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
