My underwear smells like fireworks.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
