I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
