My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
