I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Randomize
