when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
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