WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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