I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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