theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
