I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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