The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
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