it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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