Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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