Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
