id be glad to
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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