I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Randomize
