How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
