I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
