Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
