I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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