am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
