I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
