Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
