will power is for people who don't want to get laid
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
why do cheetos always look like penises
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
