dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
