Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
