Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
