The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize