I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
