i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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