It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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