...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Randomize
