i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
