Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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