Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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