I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Randomize