she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
