so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
