dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
