He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
